Tears

Unedited, straight from my head:

Isn't it strange...

How tears feel good sometimes
Like, really good
To feel
Deep
Emotion
Yearning
Needing
Desiring

It feels good
To feel

Almost comforting
Familiar
Strong
Real
When you slow down
and realize that life is happening
fast
and it will change in a breath
But emotions live
They stay and wait,
Wait for that moment when your walls crumble
When that crack in reality is enough to let it seep in
Like a warm blanket wrapping you up in the exact time and place
the smells,
the sounds
the person you were

And you realize it never leaves
It is there,
and it helps you remember why you are here now
the mold of the person you have become

And it feels good to remember
to feel
to cry
to breathe

And to appreciate those arms;
the ones that wrap you in at night
And keep you warm
together
and let you cry

And it feels good to feel
To cry
To love with passion
Passion that surpasses the impossible

Transcending reality
Flying through the clouds
Dancing through time

Inadequate

Am I the only one that's ever felt this way? Are the posts I read from others, about how happy and perfect life is, really all they feel? Because my life is happy, my life is blessed, my life is rich with smiles and love and indescribable joy. But it is also spaced with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, frustrations, self-deprecating, anxiety. Am I the only one? Is this normal? Or am I supposed to be happy ALL the time? I wish people would share the feelings they're ashamed of, the ones they keep hidden, the ones they never post on Facebook. There is strength in knowing you aren't weird, that something isn't wrong with you, that you aren't supposed to feel perfect all the time. For anyone that is reading this, I love my life. I am more blessed then I could ever hope for, and I sincerely mean that. But I also go through times where I genuinely hate myself, have anxiety, feel inadequate and hopeless, and I have NO idea why. I hope this makes someone feel like they aren't alone, because I'd love to really, honestly feel like I'm not.

Ashamed

Take

Take

Take

Give

Take

Giver or Taker?
Ashamed
Afraid
Crouching
Hiding
Loathing
Self.

Wondering,
Who am I?
Take, take, take?
Do I give enough?

Expecting.
Deserving.
This.

Apology

I apologize for my former post. I needed to vent, to release my feelings, let them exist somewhere else besides in me. It's not a pretty poem. It doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. But since when is life ALWAYS warm and fuzzy? Like pictures, it seems that people only post or write about the happy, the good, but never the bad. If you look through a photo album, you will see happy, funny, beautiful, momentous events. But you never see the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the times of depression, the jealousy, the self consciousness. Life isn't always peachy keen. It's hard. It will make you fall to your knees, begging for air, for release, for hope. It can break you. But it always changes. There are highs and lows. And in this blog, I will express the highs, the joys, the love, the happiness, but also the hurt, the sadness, the pain, the frustration. So here is life. Expressed in raw form. I hope my readers can appreciate it, and know that I'm not always perfect, or happy,
but I am real.

This foreign creature

I hate myself.
I hate what I've become.
This cancer that is slowly taking over
A disease, a foreign creature.
This has never been me.
Never apart of me.
Never a problem
Never a concern
I've never been one of "those" people
Those people who are sad for no reason
Who feel out of control and can't fix it
My mentality is screwed
Is twisted
Is jaded
It's like the real Latissa is being forced down, down, down
A sad creature is above, writhing in depression and panic
Where did she come from?
Who is she?
She doesn't belong here
Banish her
Make her stop
Make her leave
You are not welcome
Why do you exist.
Please give me Latissa back
Please let her shine
Please set her free
She is happy
She is waiting
She is begging
And alive
Desperately trying to breathe
Hanging on for all she's got.
She will never let go.
No never.

Kissing Your Cheeks

You were always there

I felt you before you were here
An angel
A spirit that loved
That prompted
That waited
for me to be ready for you
I was never scared
I knew I loved you long before we met,
I knew you were mine in heaven
and that we would be a family soon
When you came, the beat of your heart was all that mattered
My life was yours
My love
My happiness
My goals
My dreams
my everything
The reason I wake up every morning
And your smile is heaven
in such a small package
You are the greatest gift I ever received
You are mine,
And you have me wrapped around your little arms,
And I could stay here,
Kissing your cheeks forever,
And be completely, blissfully
happy forever
Wishing time would slow down
And I could keep you this way
forever in my arms.

Anxiety

Hard to breathe
Heavy chest
Cramped
Combustive
Needing air
Needing space
Needing flight
Need to see something different
To run, to move, to change
Latency is the enemy
Detrimental to my sanity
Tempted to hyperventilate
To scream
To cry
Knowing what I need
A pill
A drug that calms, numbs
Equalizes
But a drug
Not a cure
Where is the cure?
Run, Run, Run!
I move it away
Sweat it off till it disappears
Till its outside of me
No longer existing
The toxin is gone
My heart is racing
Pumping calm sanity back in
This natural drug
I can breathe
I can cope
I am in control again
I can exist without this enemy
This is the real me
I can smile again
I have found my cure